The Sex Manual for Puritans 7
(Or not a chapter at all, depending up on how you count Afterwords)
Well, folks, that's the climax! And that's the book!
We asked Dr. Eller to stop at this point. (Actually, we unplugged his typewriter, tore the manuscript out of his hands, and rushed it to press.) Things were beginning to get out of hand; and besides, everyone knows that the only thing to do after THE CLIMAX is go to sleep--to attempt anything more would be anti-climax.
There is not the slightest doubt in my mind that this book represents the stuff that revolutions are made of. The only question now is who will find it most revolting, the Puritans or the Impuritans. In the process of making that determination, we hope to sell copies to both.
If you find that this book is influencing your sex life, you might consider giving it to a friend. After all, you shouldn't have to go Puritan all by yourself.
Other authors place at the beginning of their books a preface thanking various people for things of which the reader can have no comprehension at that point. For instance, how can the reader know that the typist did a good job until he sees how it looks?
I am rectifying that matter by putting the preface here--even though some of those about to be thanked would just as soon have had their praise before the book got read.
My thanks, first of all, to that distinguished pair, Cotton Picken Mather and Richard Armour, for their elegant and elevating contribution--without which this book would have been considerably shorter and perhaps some cheaper.
My thanks to Abingdon Press and Editor J. Richard Loller (fine Puritans all) for giving me a hard time from start to finish--for the good of the cause, naturally.
My thanks to Dr. Paul Popenoe and his American Institute of Family Relations, from whose newsletter "Family Life" (the best periodical in its field) anything in this book that sounds as though it might have a factual basis probably was taken.
My thanks to Dr. (M.D.) Reuben for having set up a prominent target that I could lean on or shoot at as the mood indicated.
Most of all (and here words fail me), my thanks to my wife Phyllis for ... No, not for that! You know we Puritans don't discuss such things in public. For the inspiration of the book this little moron will thank her in private; what I wanted to thank her for here was typing manuscripts, reading proof, and censoring the first draft. (However, any misspelled words or other no-no's should be taken up with the publishers; they have had the manuscript since Phyllis did.)
So let's hear it for all these fine people and for all the poor, prostrate Puritans to whom the book is dedicated:
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
(I know Puritans use "limb" in place of "leg," but what under the sun do they use for "hip"?)